I'm looking down on this white, marble floor. It feels like someone dug something deep from my insides... and I have no means of getting whatever it is back. I'm powerless. "Ma'am, ready na po sila." I nodded nang marinig ko ang tawag ng isa sa maids namin. It's the first day of his funeral. Bakit ganoon? Parang... parang ang bilis? Parang walang nangyari? Parang isang dream lang ang lahat? If so... I want to wake up so badly. Am I still in his apartment? Dreaming while lying down on his couch? Dragging myself to go to school? Or to do the editorial works for him? Nasaang time na ba ako? Oh baka naman hindi nangyari yun? Baka nasa time ako na okay pa lahat? I sighed and walked out of my room. I took a last glance my dad's room. His office at the same time. Everything about him... does not feel real at all... Nang makarating na kami sa chapel, I can't help but go with the flow. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang susundin. Kung ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman ngayon. I haven't even seen my dad. Who knows... baka may nagkamali lang sila... baka mali lang lahat ng 'to. We were welcomed by people by the door of the memorial chapel. The chapel is large enough to hold a vast number of people. Our relatives of which no one ever considered me as their family. Nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang feeling ng kaba. The type where I suddenly felt cold but I can feel my sweat streaking down my whole body. Pagpasok ko ay marami ng mga tao. So they are already there. Walking down the aisle to him felt like the longest walk I could ever take. Parang sa bawat lakad ko, nandun yung weight ng lahat ng pangayayari ngayon. Isa pa, parang tumahimik yung paligid. Nandun sa tabi ng coffin niya yung guy na hinahangaan ko. Until the end, he's here. Kita ko sa mga mata niya na nagso-sorry siya. I forced a smile, "It's okay, Jonathan. Thank you for staying hanggang dulo..." He just nodded and I can see in his eyes... he's really genuine. He hugged me and I hugged him back. No words can explain this... After noon ay nagpaalam muna siya saglit. I faced the coffin. This is it. I'm inches away from seeing his face. I looked down the casket. Seeing his body there, resting, not moving, and just being in peace... Dad... why do I have to see you again like this? My fingers are shaking while bringing them on the glass of the casket. I caress the glass, hoping to feel his body again. "...Dad?" I asked, hoping his voice will answer me back, waking me up from this nightmare. Naghintay ako doon, nakatayo lang at nakatitig sa kaniya. He is not answering... He won't ever answer me... Why do this thing have to happen? I don't really get it! Why did everything come into this? Agad akong lumngon sa likod ko nang may naramdaman akong humawak sa elbow ko. Looking around made me realize one thing: this is real. This thing is really happening. The looks on their eyes tell it. Searching for their eyes, I see no pity-- but blank eyes. Why? Am I the only one here that feels this way? Am I the only one deserving of feeling the pain? "Umm... ma'am?" I ignored the voice of our maid. I just looked at the people inside the chapel. Now that my dad is gone... kanino na ako pupunta? Nobody considers me as their family here! I'm never a part of their family! I'm always outside! Turning back to face my dad again, I embraced the casket. "Dad... please. Ayoko ko rito. Take me with you..." I whispered. Sana marinig niya ako. The same feeling of coldness... of the chill I felt from the times a gun was aimed at me. Sana pala, sana natuluyan na lang ako. Wala naman na pala akong uuwian eh. Wala na si dad. I lost everything. I can't do this anymore... I turned my face hastily nang may naramdaman akong presence sa likod ko. It's him. "Daliah, you need to let others see your dad too." he said. I glared at his eyes and hugged the casket tightly. I'm never gonna let my dad go! My only family... "Daliah..." I don't know what he wants, but I'm not leaving my dad's side again, uncle. Napatingin ako sa isa sa mga bodyguards na lumapit kay uncle. She whispered something to him. "Alright. Why do they have to appear now? Can't wait to have something on the media? Tose people don't know what privacy means..." he said as h walked away from me. Sinundan ko ng tingin yung paglabas niya ng chapel. When he opened the door, I can hear crowd noises from the outside. What the hell is happening...? Tumakbo ako papunta kay uncle. He is talking with a lot of people outside, with some of our bodyguards around him. "Who is going to run the combat hospital now? Is it her daughter?" "What can you say after your brother's wife murdered him?" "Can we get a word from Mr. Ty's daughter?" A lot of different voices. I can't understand a thing. Napatingin ako sa phone ko nang magvibrate 'to. A call? Without looking who it is, a face appeared before me. His face. Why am I even expecting that it is him? "Daliah...? Are you all alright? I heard what happened from my parents... It is known in the whole Philippines, they said. I'm sorry to hear what happened." It's Alyssa. I felt a sense of relief even though it's not him. Mas okay na 'to kaysa naman siya. I still don't know what to tell him... "Thanks..." "Just tell me what I can do to help. Don't forget that you're not alone, okay?" Hearing her words is nice. But I still have the empty feeling inside... "Do you think, because of what happened years ago, he deserved it?" Magulo ang paligid. Halo - halong voices pero nag standout sa akin yung boses na yun. How dare he even ask that?! I know my dad. Even if he did something like that, he does not deserve to die! No one does... well except for someone. That woman. She did this. She started this mess! "...Daliah? Are you still--" I dropped my phone and hold unto my head. It hurts. It hurts everywhere! I turn to look at the reporters. They seem good. They seem happy-- even after such thing happened. How can someone be happy after this?! Hindi ko na alam ang sunod kong ginawa. Basta nagpadala ako sa katawan ko. I rushed through the bodyguards into them, pushing as much people as I can. When I felt that I got their attention, I prepared myself. "You people don't even know how much it hurts! Ni hindi nga peaceful ang pagkamatay ni dad! Bakit pa kayo nandito?! Porket hindi kayo namatayan, you are all here, invading our privacy?! Disrespecting my dad's funeral?!" I screamed. I looked around at napapalibutan na ako ng mga reporters. I don't care! They deserve to hear that! "Hey!" A whisper called me out with a grab on my elbow. Lumingon ako. It's tita. She faces me, her voice near me. "What do you think you are doing?! Further disgracing this family?!" she whispered into my ear. Her touch, evokes the same feeling again. Para akong napapaso. Binawi ko yung braso ko sa kaniya pero hinila niya ako papasok. "Come here!" she shouted this time. I'm not a kid to be grabbed around! "Don't touch me!" "You know what will happen, miss." "Scared, young gal?" "This lady needs to die! I will lay my life, just kill this woman too!" Argh! What is happening now?! Why am I hearing those voices again?! Napaupo ako sa ground, holding my head with my right hand. Binawi ko yung isa kong kamay from her. I can't think straight... Everything's being a blur. I don't understand. I can't hear anything but those voices. Voices that sent chills to my spine. "Get up! You are embarrassing this family!" A faint shout from the background... Everyone's out to get me... "Stop it, Melissa! Can't you see? Everyone's having a hard time and all you think is her being an embarrassment? Have pity on the girl, at least!" "She's not even a child anymore and she's still acting up! She needs to grow up!" "Stop it. You are the one embarrassing this family. Daliah?" a voice from the background comes near to me... "Daliah...?" I opened my eyes and looked up. He is there, standing. Why do I have to see him, of all people? Tumingin din ako sa paligid. The reporters are gone now. Kaming dalawa na lang ang nandito sa labas ng chapel. An embarrassment. That's me. All the time. Kung sinunod ko ba si dad and studied diligently, loved medicine instead of capturing memories, will everything won't turn out this way? If only I... Tumayo ako at tiningnan siya. Why is he still here? Bakit niya sinabi yung mga sinabi niya kanina? I am supposed to be an embarassment, but he is still here. Uncle... "You can go inside now." He said, turning his back on me to walk into the chapel. "No. I won't come back. I will go with my dad," I replied. Naramdaman kong lumingon siya sa akin at nag0sigh. Tumuloy na siya sa loob. Naupo ako sa ground. It's heavy... and suffocating. "Arzendria...?" I looked up dahil sa narinig kong voice. He wears a suit and probably nasa mga age din ni Marcus. He's looking down at me. He looks familiar din. A cold feeling washed over me. "Who are you?" matabang kong sabi. "I want to thank you," he said at may ngiti na nagform sa mukha niya. I stood up to face him even though my knees are feeling weak. "Ha?" "I loved Chelsea... she did what she needed to do for her position in the company. She's selfish. She even cheated on me while she's in New York. After what happened, she is thrown into the jail with your stepmom. Glad you--" "Stop," I managed to say. I don't see the point ng pakikipagusap niya sa akin. I've had enough. "Still, thank you. Sayang yung pictorial na ginawa mo for us." So he's the guy talaga. "Whatever..." I blurted out. Bakit ba sinasabi niya pa sakin 'to? Napatingin kaming dalawa nang lumabas si uncle from the chapel. He got some drinks. "Daliah, you should take a rest. Oh, you're here." He walked towards the guy. I can't take this anymore. Lalo lang bumigat lahat. Tumakbo ako palayo ng lugar na iyon. "Daliah!" I heard my uncle's screams gradually fading away. I don't care now. I'm an embarrassment after all this time, am I? Tumakbo ako nang tumakbo. Why am I always running? Nasa may bridge ako ngayon. I looked up. The night is still young... a bunch of starts around. Are you in one of them, dad? Looking down at me? I want to capture the stars too... pero mas gugustuhin kong maging star ngayon. I want to be with you... "I know I cannot reason with you right now... so maybe, like how others do, feelings will convey my message." That hug of his... the familiar warmth... when will I be able to feel it? "...I cared. I really did. Please... trust me." He really cared, did he? Right... Kinapa ko yung suot ko... my phone is gone... I left it back there. My only hope... he won't answer me anyways. Besides, he may be my hope but I'm never his. I'm just simply a burden--- or a subject, part of his work. "No one understands me! No one will!" I screamed on top of my lungs. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad. Paakyat kasi 'tong road bridge... Should I just jump from here? Lumapit ako sa may harang at humawak doon, looking into the river down this bridge. This is it... No one's with me here in this world... might as well join dad. "Ma'am Daliah!" Napalingon ako sa sumigaw. A guy wearing a suit. Yeah, here I am, expecting again. Argh! I will stop this thinking! Binalik ko yung tingin ko sa river. It feels calming... "Ma'am, bumalik na po tayo." his voice getting nearer to me. "I won't. You can come back and tell whoever ordered you that I'm fine. I will be fine, finally." I replied, now looking into the night sky. "Gosh... kung nandito pa sana yung camera ni dad." I mumbled to myself. Hindi ko na narinig na nagsalita yung bodyguard. Who sent him anyways...? Maya-maya pa ay may narinig akong sasakyan na tumigil sa likuran ko. Lumingon ako rito nang marinig kong bumukas yung car door. My eyes widened. Why is he here? "Daliah, let's come back now." his voice. Bumaba siya ng sasakyan at lumapit sa akin. Napaatras ako. Agad akong tumingin sa river sa baba. Is this the sign? Should I really jump now? "Don't even think of doing what you are about to do." I can't find the words. Why is he stopping me? Doesn't he hate me? Lalo na after those words I kept on telling him before... Tiningnan ko lang siya. He looks like he has something to say. "It's my fault. I think..." wala sa sarli kong sagot. "That's why I don't like you." What the? I thought he is becoming nice now? I looked away from him. "...Because you always take everything on yourself. That's why I want you to think that time that 'following me' is the only choice for you. So that you won't blame yourself if anything happens... but then you kept on being stubborn, taking actions by yourself." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. So... he does not hate me? Is he being real right now...? Tuluyang nagflashback sa akin yung huling mga away namin sa office niya. I even threatened him! "You are not alone. We are also hurt by what happened. I am also hurt, destroyed. In times like this, we should be together--" "But those people hate me! No one considered me as their family!" "But I do. I consider you as one. So please reconsider... my brother won't be happy seeing you like this." Tahimik lang akong nakatingin sa kaniya. Why...? Is he always like this? Even before? Ako lang ba ang mali? Why is he being good now? "It actually hurts me that you think of me as if I'm like your other relatives. But it's fine. What's important is for you to live. Choose to live for your dad, Daliah." Hearing those words from an unexpected person... so he's here? Hindi lang ako nag-iisa? Kaya ba niya sinabi yun kanina kay tita? Why did I fail to see this before? "...I cared. I really did. Please... trust me." Just like before... Is trusting them the right thing to do now?